It was a torturous day.
Nevertheless, I was not as sad as before. Somewhere in my heart tells me that there might be a chance between us. We talked all day for the past few days. Problems were dug out and answers were slowly poured in. However, in the end, the big problem was never solved.
Giving her a break from us is not what I want but with this, it may help her to think better about us and her future, I could not be greedy for myself. She was such a lovely girl. The best I could ever called mine. The promises she made were pressuring but she kept it just for my sake.
It is heart breaking when we talked about our future again, saying that if we do not work out and meet in the future, we promised to give each other a chance.We talked about months ahead and further. However, we both were scared, what could happen to us in the end.
The past few days were so beautiful as if our past were re-written. Our old fashion date where we would sit at a restaurant and talk about our childhood, family and us for hours. Our silly talks and antics with each other. Even when we fought, we laughed and smiled in the end because we knew we loved each other. It was just magnificent.
I fear that it would the last of everything and my tears would stream down fast. I am afraid. I love her and I hope she would give us a chance to try.
Slowly, I found out that I had not been giving her strength and courage as I promised I would in the past. It was my fault. It is. Through her difficult times, I was not there giving her calm and support but instead I made her more afraid through my imperfections. It was all my fault.
I wanted to make it romantic like she jokingly wished I could be if I ever chase her back. I wanted to say in Mandarin ‘ (her name), I am glad to be your boyfriend ‘ But emotions flooded my brain before I could act out the scene. It flopped.
I restricted myself not to read the letter in the train as I would not want to cry in public. I really love her. She knew I would be so sad and stayed and texted with me. We chatted. Said a lot of things. Then when I finally returned to my room, I read the letter.
Never in my life, I felt this much pain. I feel as if I really have lost her. The pain and tears were indescribable. She stayed and asked to extend the time to midnight for our last words before our break. She was just so kind. I love her …
Passed by the same place twice made me realise that I neglect very much of the details. If I just pay as much attention to everything, I could have remember everything. I could have know my promises to give her courage and strength while I still can and she could just rely on me as I guide her. I hope I could still be able to keep the promise as I am sure I love her always, past, present and future.